


Secrets

by waterpots



Category: Oh My Girl (Band)
Genre: F/F, I guess angst, In Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:57:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7968649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterpots/pseuds/waterpots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiho has a secret nobody can know, but keeping it inside is tearing her apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [5/30/17] HELLO!! oh my girl fic exchange!! https://ohmygirlexchange.dreamwidth.org/6570.html

“You can hide it in front of anybody else, but that doesn’t work for me.” It’s true. Hyejin’s seen everything. Every mental breakdown and tired phone call home, even that phase when Jiho experimented with excessive eyeliner. The kind of stuff they don’t mention anymore but remember when Hyejin doesn’t want to do her chores and Jiho volunteers for it out of nowhere—she doesn’t suspect Hyejin would blackmail her like that, but she has to be safe. Hyejin’s always been something of a wild card. “What’s going on?”

Of course, it’s not a question she could answer easily, at the cost of so many things: her friendships, her sanity, her career. Hyejin was sitting beside her now, holding Jiho’s hand, rubbing her thumb along the top of it in a comforting way. She didn’t remember when Hyejin physically touching her became akin to a mother’s comfort, maybe when she tried to leave WM, before Yewon joined and Jiho was strong.

“You can tell me anything,” Hyejin murmured. “You know that.” She knew, but it didn’t change the fact she couldn’t find the strength to murmur words playing over and over in her head. She could embarrass herself as much as possible on shows, but when it came to actually saying something meaningful, Jiho always stopped short. She was trapped in her own head.

“Not this,” Jiho said, her voice a shell of her on-screen volume and character. “I can’t—I don’t want to.” Her voice cracked, the voice of Kim Jiho, a nineteen-year-old girl. Hyejin pulled Jiho’s head to rest on her shoulder, rubbing comforting circles on Jiho’s back. Hyejin who was always both her on and off-camera self. Hyejin who didn’t have to hide behind bravado, who was always herself whether they called her Hyejin or JinE. Hyejin who didn’t need a stage name, who lived no double lives. Jiho didn’t know how to say it. Jiho didn’t want to say it, she didn't have the words to make sense of it.

Kim Jiho was in love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets Secrets Secrets

It should be bad and scary. Jiho should hate it. She does. She hates how it makes her feel warm and gummy, how it permeates every part of her and leaves her unchanged, how it makes her smile and laugh and wait up every night just to hear one final, private thing. Jiho hates it.

Shiah is open about everything, the people she finds cute and the ranking of who she would date. A list of boys, a list of girls, and a list of both overall. When the two of them are together, they scroll through news accounts and talk about celebrities, and Shiah talks about the most attractive, and Jiho listens. It’s fine, until Shiah starts to ask Jiho who she ranks most attractive.

Is it fair to answer? Jiho doesn’t know how to answer honestly or candidly. Shiah can be candid, Jiho can’t. Jiho never can. She wonders if she’s the only member with this issue, hiding behind a mask, behind many. She doesn’t think so, but when it’s dark and her brain decides to work against her she thinks maybe she is. Jiho is the only member whose smile slides off her face when the camera stops recording, who hides quietly in her bed when the other members play.

Shiah asks Jiho who she finds attractive but she can’t honestly answer that she doesn’t find any of them attractive. Jiho is already in love, it’s not one of the men Shiah shows her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the walls will lean closer  
> When she plays that piano real slow

Mihyun gets it out of her, not because she trusts her or anything, but not that she doesn’t trust her, but because she’s drunk and Mihyun brings it up. She knew drinking was a bad idea, with her secrets, but Mihyun always knew the right words to get Jiho to do whatever she wanted.

Alcohol still burns Jiho’s throat, even though she’s drank it before. She wonders if it’s supposed to burn your throat, or maybe it’s because Mihyun was too lazy to mix drinks and they’re just having it straight. Mihyun likes all that stuff, mixing drinks and all, and Jiho wonders if in another life she’s a bartender. Maybe they all work with her, because Jiho’s finding it hard to imagine a life she doesn’t know them anymore.

Alcohol makes Mihyun giggly, and talkative. Jiho wonders if it would make Yewon giggly, only because she wonders if she would just incessantly laugh at her usual volume. She wants to try it out, but Yewon’s underage, and Hyojung and Hyejin would lose their minds, probably. She’s allowed to wonder.

“Have you ever liked anyone?” Jiho nods. It’s an innocent question, and Mihyun is drunk to near oblivion. “Have you ever liked anyone in our group? I thought Seunghee was so cute when we first met.” Jiho doesn’t know what brings it on, the alcohol or the awareness Mihyun will hopefully not remember this in the morning. She nods again. “Right now.” The words tumble out of her mouth, spilling over each other, a slurred mess of regrets. Mihyun doesn’t say anything, as far as Jiho remembers. Just pours her another drink.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "How I wish you could see the potential  
> The potential between you and me  
> It’s like a book delicately bound  
> in a language that we can’t speak"

They were words difficult to say in the sense of the magnitude they carried for Jiho, not anybody else. She had no doubts that Oh My Girl would support her, at worst they’d have some wrong ideas, or some right ones, about how she felt about all of them. She didn’t mind what they thought, let their minds run wild. She only cared, once, foolishly, selfishly, what it meant for her.

Mihyun remembered, but said nothing. Mihyun figured out more than Jiho had even said, given the sympathetic looks thrown her way whenever Jiho was suddenly caught, too close for comfort, between a moral dilemma of convictions and desires. Perhaps too faux-pretentious of a metaphorical statement, but one nonetheless.

Seunghee saves her when this happens, and Jiho can’t tell if it’s because Mihyun told her something or if that’s just how Seunghee is, playing Jiho’s hero when she needs it most. In another life Jiho likes Seunghee, and Jiho knows that’s a good life because Seunghee is funny and genuine, but not _too_ genuine, just enough that Jiho is comfortable but not suffocated by her own false personality. In that reality, Jiho is happy even if Seunghee doesn’t like her back. They stay good friends and eventually Jiho moves on, content with what they had and have.

It doesn’t work that way in the real world. Jiho can’t move on, it’s too close contact to get past her. Seunghee helps though, and Jiho wishes she could love her in this reality.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This tourniquet  
> hasn't stopped the bleeding  
> yet

Jiho tells them, and it’s of her own volition. It was partly due to fear, Mihyun was a shockingly excessive drinker during their non-promotion periods, and Jiho was constantly following her around, afraid she would accidentally let something slip. Her sympathetic looks got annoying, and Hyejin’s concerned looks weren’t helping.

It slipped out, more or less, when they were at a group meal. Yoobin had been talking, about some sort of stress with living far from home, and they had been going around and talking about their own stresses. Hyojung had just asked, as they were going around the table, if anyone had any concerns. Jiho hadn’t meant to, but the words slipped out. “I like girls.”

Silence.

Only for a moment, until Hyojung’s mouth caught up with her brain. Jiho had to be careful, she couldn’t date—more-so than the other members, and Hyojung was already incredibly strict on everyone. She couldn’t tell any managers or employees, or really even friends. She needed to be safe, she needed to consider her position in society and cultural climate. Too much was at stake. “We love you no matter what,” Hyojung finished. “You need to be safe for your dreams, but we’ll always love you no matter what.”

They were all supportive; Jiho didn’t know what she was worried about. Hyejin rested a hand on her back, giving her a small smile. Mihyun looked relieved and Shiah mumbled something quietly and although Jiho couldn’t hear it, she was pretty sure she said “same.” It was almost comical to Jiho; Seunghee was nearly in tears, telling Jiho how happy she was Jiho had trusted them, trusted her, with this information, that she’d always support her and be Jiho’s biggest fan.

Jiho’s relief was shortlived. Her struggles were alleviated for only a moment, it wasn’t until her eyes locked with Yewon, an unreadable expression on her face, that it hit Jiho. Revealing this one small concession made the whole of everything clear.

Yewon knew everything.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will i stop writing one-sided jirin not ever (never)

Yewon said nothing at first, and Jiho almost fooled herself into thinking maybe she’d overreacted, that maybe saying one thing wouldn’t prove anything to her, that maybe Yewon didn’t care that much and Jiho would be _fine_ and nobody ever had to know-

But then Yewon said something, and it would have been like Jiho’s entire world had been crushed, if not for the fact she saw it coming, and in the back of her mind Yewon knew the whole time and was ready to say something the whole time, just trying to find the right moment where it was just the two of them.

“Now what.” Jiho’s safety was an illusion. It had never been coming out that was the issue. “What are you going to do now?”

“Nothing, you know that.”

“I don’t know that,” Yewon said, furrowing her eyebrows. Yewon was a force to be reckoned with, at least when she wanted to be. Jiho never knew if the other members knew how Yewon was; her existence demanded the sort of attention Jiho wished she could give but couldn’t find it in herself to give, not when there were other demanding forces in the dorm.

“It’s not feasible for me to do anything, and I wouldn’t when you—”

“I’ve been hanging out with Mimi a lot, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I don’t know what this means.”

“It means I’m over it. It was a one-time thing.”

“And so now,” Jiho started, but Yewon cut her off.

“She talks about boys she likes. Don’t worry so much about anyone other than yourself.” Jiho’s eyes snapped off the wall, onto Yewon, looking for some indication that what she was saying was true, or false. Jiho wasn’t sure which she wanted. “It’s really selfish of you to expect any of the rest of us to take care of you.”

Jiho’s first crush had been some now faceless boy in her second grade class; she remembered nothing except there was a little club of boys who would play games during recess, where they’d bounce a ball of the wall and keep running to it for some reason; the game was too far in Jiho’s memory to properly remember. They never let girls play, even though most girls didn’t want to; Jiho did, but they wouldn’t let her, except him. She probably didn’t actually like him, but just liked that he didn’t care that she had an angry looking face sometimes and sharp comebacks, even at age eight.

Jiho’s first crush had been simple, because he’d meant nothing and she didn’t understand the feeling of love and she could talk about him idealized; an eight-year-old boy probably now a handsome man of the greatest variety who could still sweep her off her feet if he wanted to.

Yewon didn’t have that luxury. Yewon’s first crush was something more significant, more intimate, and more difficult. Maybe she’d be better off because she could remember the face, or maybe worse off for that same reason. Jiho didn’t know, but every time she looked in the mirror she would remember.

“What are you going to do?” Yewon crossed her arms. She demanded attention. Jiho remembered Yewon kissing her; she remembered the look on her face after, shocked and horrified; she remembered telling Yewon she was straight. Lying to protect her feelings.


	7. Final

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not

Jiho would like to be able to say she did a great many more things. That maybe she had talked about her feelings or something. Love should be something, like calming rain or a burning inferno. As time passed love fades, or that’s what Jiho heard and told herself, over and over and over. But love doesn’t fade, or it didn’t this time.

Love was a rainstorm. It was constant and overpowering, until Jiho got used to it. It helped her sleep, it was comfort and calming and constant and eventually it was like it had never existed at all. She laughed and smiled and joked like she felt nothing, like there was nothing there. Someday there would be nothing there but thoughts of friendship. Until the thunder started. Crackling in bursts and preventing her from sleeping, irregular and illogical so she couldn’t get used to it.

Jiho did not understand why getting a bowl of cereal resparked feelings of love, or messy hair in the morning, or why the feeling of being completely shut down in an argument pushed her heart into overdrive and tied her tongue up without her knowledge. Jiho would say something if she could, to try and get the feelings out of her body and away from herself as fast as possible. Love is supposed to simmer when unspoken, but it burned instead, and Jiho let it. She was tongue tied, and Binnie laughed because she thought it was over losing an argument.

Jiho burned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not how i wanted to end it but i don't want to end it how i wanted to end it anymore and i wanted to be done with it

**Author's Note:**

> He wasn't a saint  
> but he wasn't a bad man  
> —A Burning Soul


End file.
